I think I’ve heard this conversation coming from my living room in the middle of the night….

I’m crabby.  I think I know why.  My previously comfortable bras that I’ve been wearing for several years (and have five of in my drawer!) are killing me.  Yes, I realize that it most likely has to do with the fact that I’ve gained 15 pounds since spring and am now at a record-high weight for me.  It may also have a little bit to do with starting a different formulation of estrogen in my HRT and my breast shape may have changed a bit.  The bottom line is that I need new, comfortably-fitting bras RIGHT NOW.

Therein lies the problem.  I spent 2 hours in Kohl’s a few weeks ago and tried on 20 different bras.  I still came home with something that is not completely comfortable and is probably not even the right size.  I’ve read estimates that claim that at least 80% of women are wearing the wrong size bra.  [Hangs head in shame.]

Well, how do you find your “right size?”  I just researched this online and came away just as confused as when I started.  The very first article I read told me to measure  under my boobs and take that measurement as the band measurement.  It explicitly instructed me NOT to add five inches to this measurement to find my band size, that this was an inaccurate and obsolete way of measuring for modern bras.  Every single other article I read (at least another half-dozen I had time to peruse) instructed me to add the five inches to the measurement I obtained to get the correct band size.  So, who do I believe?  And what kind of sense does it make, anyway, to add five inches to a measurement?  Do men have to add five inches to their inseam measurement to get the correct length of their trousers?

All the articles are in agreement that to get my cup size, I measure the fullest part of my breasts and subtract this measurement from the band size.  (Is that the actual measurement or the “add five inches” calculated number??)  I’ve never been able to get this calculation to work for me when I’ve tried it in the past.  The cup size I come up with is clearly wrong when I try on these bras.  And then there is the whole situation of gravity, of the “fullest part” of a woman’s breasts being distributed between her ribs and her waistline.  How do you measure that?  If you were to pick all that sagging up and shove it into cotton cups, how big does that cup need to be?  Sounds like a good story problem for a high school physics class…  (“If the nipples hang five inches or more below the 5th rib, divide by four and take the square root of the number obtained, and then do the Hokey-Pokey and turn yourself around.  That’s what it’s all about.”)

One article instructed me to get down on my hands and knees and measure the widest part of my bust by that method.  It seems to make sense to let gravity in this position put the boobs where they need to be — straight out from the ribcage.  I just can’t figure out how to hold the tape measure in a snug position while I’m down on all fours on the floor, letting gravity do its thing.  And again, the conflicting information rears its ugly head:  this was the only article I read that suggested this position.  (Don’t worry, it only feels kinky the first time you do it!)

And every single article I read emphasized that the measurements are only a starting point.  Don’t let the measurements decide what bra you should be wearing.  Manufacturers vary, women vary, etc.  Go into a dressing room armed with dozens of bras and start trying them on, they said.  (Only five garments at a time, please!)

So, why am I down on all fours with this tape measure, getting rug burn on my nipples?  HELP ME, PLEASE!!

Anyone who knows me almost to any degree knows that I am posting this article, published this week in The Onion, with all the tongue-in-cheek attitude it deserves.   I fully support and uphold the beliefs that all human beings are worthy of certain basic rights.  I believe that compassion and empathy, the ability to appreciate and learn from our human differences, are exemplary qualities that make the world and its societies a more beautiful and enriching place to be.  If I believed in the omnipotent deity that so many in our culture do, I imagine a loving deity would be pleased and honored with this attitude. 

People like the ones characterized in this essay have crossed my path in life.  I think that most of us have encountered those who do not see the least amount of satire in an essay such as this.  They consider the attitude “if God had wanted me to have compassion for gays, He would have given it to me” to make perfect sense.  Responsibility and accountability for one’s actions and behavior is often in conflict with “God’s will” in their eyes.  It’s saddens my heart to know that there are those who accept hatred and scorn as the way it should be and use God to justify their predjudice.

However, the irony and satire of this piece profoundly amuses me.  It expresses my feelings in a way that a less satirical piece simply couldn’t.  

Here for your reading pleasure as well is:

I don’t question God. The Lord is my Shepherd and I shall put none above Him. Which is why I know that if it were part of God’s plan for me to stop viciously condemning others based solely on their sexual preference, He would have seen fit—in His infinite wisdom and all—to have given me the tiniest bit of human empathy necessary to do so.

It’s a simple matter of logic, really. God made me who I am, and who I am is a cold, anti-gay zealot. Thus, I abhor gay people because God made me that way. Why is that so hard to understand?

Here, let’s start with the basic facts: I hate and fear gay people. The way they feel is different from how I feel, and that causes me a lot of confusion and anger. Everyone knows God is all-powerful. He could easily have given me the capacity to investigate what’s behind those feelings rather than tell strangers in the park they’re going to hell for holding hands. But God clearly has another path for me. And who am I to question His divine will?

Compassion, tolerance, understanding, basic decency, the ability to put myself in another person’s position: God could have endowed me with any of those traits and yet—here is the crucial part—He didn’t. Why? Because the Creator of the Universe wants me to demonize homosexuals in an effort to strip them of their fundamental human rights.

I’m sorry, but you can’t possibly ask me to explain everything God does. He works in mysterious ways, remember?

Try to understand. If I were capable of thinking and acting any other way, then I’m sure I would, but God seems to be quite adamant about this one. He’s just not budging at all. So unless our almighty Lord and Savior decides to change His mind about my ability to empathize on even the most basic level—which I find highly unlikely—then everyone is just going to have to accept the fact that I’m going to keep on hating homosexuals. And I know that He will fill me with the strength to remain mindless and hurtful in the face of adversity.

Which isn’t to say that my faith hasn’t been tested. Believe me, there have been times when I’ve drifted from the bitter and terrified life God has chosen for me. When my younger brother told me he was gay, it shook my faith to its very core. But here I am, 27 years later, still refusing to take his calls. Just the way God intended.

It’s actually pretty astonishing how many complaints to the school board you can make regarding the new band teacher you’ve never met when you are filled with the Light of Christ and devoid of any real kindness or mercy toward His other children.

At the end of the day, I’m just trying to lead a good Christian life. That means going to church on Sunday, following the Ten Commandments, and fighting what I believe to be a sexual abomination through a series of petty actions and bitter comments made under my breath. Sure, I sometimes wish God would just reach into my heart and give me the ability to treat all people with, at the very least, the decency and respect they deserve as human beings. But unfortunately for that new couple who moved in three houses down, He hasn’t yet.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have God’s work to do.

I have a lump in my throat after reading this just moments ago.

Text of a letter Sen. Ted Kennedy, D-Mass., wrote before his death to send President Barack Obama, as provided by the White House:

May 12, 2009

Dear Mr. President,

I wanted to write a few final words to you to express my gratitude for your repeated personal kindnesses to me — and one last time, to salute your leadership in giving our country back its future and its truth.

On a personal level, you and Michelle reached out to Vicki, to our family and me in so many different ways. You helped to make these difficult months a happy time in my life.

You also made it a time of hope for me and for our country.

When I thought of all the years, all the battles, and all the memories of my long public life, I felt confident in these closing days that while I will not be there when it happens, you will be the president who at long last signs into law the health care reform that is the great unfinished business of our society. For me, this cause stretched across decades; it has been disappointed, but never finally defeated. It was the cause of my life. And in the past year, the prospect of victory sustained me — and the work of achieving it summoned my energy and determination.

There will be struggles — there always have been — and they are already under way again. But as we moved forward in these months, I learned that you will not yield to calls to retreat — that you will stay with the cause until it is won. I saw your conviction that the time is now and witnessed your unwavering commitment and understanding that health care is a decisive issue for our future prosperity. But you have also reminded all of us that it concerns more than material things; that what we face is above all a moral issue; that at stake are not just the details of policy, but fundamental principles of social justice and the character of our country.

And so because of your vision and resolve, I came to believe that soon, very soon, affordable health coverage will be available to all, in an America where the state of a family’s health will never again depend on the amount of a family’s wealth. And while I will not see the victory, I was able to look forward and know that we will — yes, we will — fulfill the promise of health care in America as a right and not a privilege.

In closing, let me say again how proud I was to be part of your campaign — and proud as well to play a part in the early months of a new era of high purpose and achievement. I entered public life with a young president who inspired a generation and the world. It gives me great hope that as I leave, another young president inspires another generation and once more on America’s behalf inspires the entire world.

So, I wrote this to thank you one last time as a friend — and to stand with you one last time for change and the America we can become.

At the Denver Convention where you were nominated, I said the dream lives on.

And I finished this letter with unshakable faith that the dream will be fulfilled for this generation, and preserved and enlarged for generations to come.

With deep respect and abiding affection,

(Ted)

Wishing you a lifetime of riches and rewards, Lauren Grace, today and always. I’m so proud to call you my friend.

I am saddened at the death of Senator Edward M. Kennedy. I grew up with the Kennedy legacy. I was five-years-old when John F. Kennedy was elected president of the United States, a third-grader when he was assassinated three years later. I was an avid supporter of Robert Kennedy as he ran for president in 1968 when I was in 7th grade. I sat in front of the television during the entire wake at St. Patrick’s Cathedral for him and attended the funeral mass in the privacy of my living room. I remember the youngest brother, Senator Edward “Ted” Kennedy, delivering the eulogy on June 8, 1968 and bought a recording of it after that which I listened to over and over again. I have many parts of this eulogy committed to memory, and sometimes it will comes to mind even now.

Since it is one of my most vivid memories of Senator Edward Kennedy, I dedicate this to his memory today.

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To my Live Journal / MyFace / WordPress / Spacebook acquaintance of 5 years:

Sometimes a person has very valid reasons to be “fucking scared” — to quote you in your brief, now-deleted post from Sunday.  

Those reasons may include quitting a job here in the U.S. which pays the rent and provides benefits to go off to a European country on a visa-waiver tourist visit, hoping it will last forever.  On a visa-waiver, the traveler must return to the U.S. at the end of six months or risk being in serious legal trouble with the country they have traveled to.  Her Majesty’s government does not look kindly upon scofflaws who ignore the rules of travel and remain in the country past their allowable period.   To be apprehended overstaying one’s welcome would ensure an expedient flight back to the U.S. and would most likely result in no further legal visits to the country.

The only way a person can stay in a country honoring visa-waiver travels past six months is to get a residency visa and a work permit to allow one to become gainfully employed.  These are not granted freely.  In this time of economic instability (which is even worse in Europe than in the U.S.), a foreign employer is not likely to hire a U.S. citizen to fill a job that can be given to a citizen of the country.  Work sponsorship is not likely to happen for an average U.S. citizen with no highly specialized skills and education.  That country has plenty of blue-collar workers — laborers, secretaries, customer service representatives, waitresses — who are unemployed as well, and the jobs will go to their citizens first to improve their overall economic standing. This only makes sense.

Without a residency visa and a work permit, the traveler must return to the U.S. at the end of the six months allowed with visa-waiver travels.  I have to assume that the traveler’s previous U.S. employer will not be holding a job open for that individual during her six months of travel to pursue a romantic relationship. That, of course, will mean finding a new job upon return to the U.S.    That feat has been extremely difficult for those who have lost jobs here in the U.S. this past year due to our national economic recession, the likes of which we’ve never seen in our lifetime. The unemployment rate is approaching 10% in many locations right now.  It’s tough to get hired without a college education or other specialized technical training.  There are college graduates now who are snapping up the jobs that used to be given to high school graduates because so many of them have lost jobs and are desperate for work.

So, six months from now upon a return to the U.S., a long siege of unemployment may very likely be waiting with no income and no health insurance.  Will the former employer rehire you?  Probably not.  There will be many applications for your job when you leave and the position will be quickly filled.  And why would they rehire an employee who quit a full-time position with benefits to take a six month sabbatical, displaying remarkably poor judgment in such practical matters during a very tenuous economic situation? For that matter, why would any employer hire a person with such a fresh, gaping hole on her meager resume which is there because the applicant decided to take an extended voluntary vacation? This does not showcase to a prospective employer the qualities of dependability and reliability!

Once a job with health care benefits is given up here in the U.S., there are no more health care benefits for this traveler.  An unemployed traveler is not covered by another country’s socialized healthcare system.  It is all out-of-pocket at that point.  If there are acute or chronic health conditions, any medical care is an expense that a person needs to cover from her own savings while she’s traveling.  That could eat up a lot of money.  It is more expensive to live in Europe as it is, and the U.S. dollar doesn’t go as far there.

And then there is leaving a young child behind in the U.S. with her custodial parent while the traveling parent pursues her dreams for six months.  I’m not even going to go into the complications involved in that scenario.  Let’s just say that there is no turning back, no reestablishing a parental role worth a whole lot of credibility once that plan is executed.  It speaks for itself.  An intelligent 7-year-old knows that.   Children know a lot and have a low tolerance for parental excuses and lack of responsibility, particularly when that goes on for months that have turned into years.

Fear is an emotion that frequently has a basis in reality.  It is the brain’s way of saying that there are dangerous conditions threatening an individual’s wellbeing, health, and safety.  There are many times when that emotion of fear should be heeded for the warning signal that it is.  Fear cautions an individual that she is indeed headed for some very deep weeds that are going to be hell to untangle from!

“Fucking scared?”  You have many reasons to be. I have not pointed out a few of the obvious ones because I am a mean, spiteful person with a heart of darkness who wants to sow pain and heartache. Quite the contrary. I am a person who has cared about you for quite some time and have been worried and distressed at the complication in your life I see looming ahead. I don’t want that for you. I would like to see you pursue your dreams but in ways that protect and preserve the things in your life that build upon your self-esteem, your independence, your strengths, your integrity as a person. I don’t want to see you tear everything down to start all over again, perhaps with less than you had before in so many ways.

Good luck.

Have you really pondered what exactly this word “love” means to you? I recall this story during an eight-session training course I attended while in the employ of HealthPartners which was an organization that supported the philosophy of  The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, created by Stephen Covey.

During a seminar, a man came up and said to him:

“Stephen, I like what you are preaching about relationships. But every situation is different. Look at my marriage. I am really worried. My wife and I just don’t have the same feeling for each other that we used to have. I guess I just don’t love her anymore, and she doesn’t love me.”

“The feeling is not there anymore?” Stephen inquired.

“That is right,” the man affirmed. “And we have three children and we are really concerned about it. What do you suggest?”

“Love her,” Stephen Covey advised him.

“I told you the feeling just isn’t there.”

“Then love her. If the feeling is not there, that is all the more reason to love her.”

“But how do you love when you don’t love?”

“My friend,”  Covey told him,  “love is a verb.  Love , the feeling,  is the fruit of love, the verb, or our loving actions.  So love her.  Sacrifice.  Listen to her.  Empathize.  Appreciate.  Affirm her.”

I have always remembered this “Coveyism” from the seminar and have thought about this concept.  As I’ve grown older and hopefully more mature, as I’ve celebrated 36 wedding anniversaries, as my friendships have become deeper and more committed based on things other than shared activities, I’ve come to appreciate this philosophy more and more.  It is the kind of love that  blossoms when you finally realize that the world does not revolve around you, that your needs are only a small piece of the big picture, that we’re all in this endeavor called Life together.  It is an unselfish love.

Erotic love between partners, the chemistry that draws lovers together upon their introduction, does not last at that level of intensity for a lifetime.  Erotic love, sexual attraction, and romance are what causes butterflies in the stomach, a euphoric feeling when the partner is in the room, a blindness to the drawbacks, faults, and weaknesses of the partner and the relationship.  That chemistry wanes with time.  In good relationships, a stronger foundation has been constructed under that dancefloor awash with hormones.  It is built with loving and caring actions.  Its underpinings are the qualities of empathy, compassion, consideration, appreciation and all the behaviors that support those attributes.  That is what causes relationships to grow and last a lifetime.

Parents — good parents, committed parents  — display the “love is a verb” concept constantly.  They realize that committed parenting is about self-sacrifice, putting the child’s needs ahead of their own if there needs to be a choice.  It’s about being there for the child, emotionally and physically.  It’s not about being emotionally and physically present when it’s convenient or works into the parents’ plans and lifestyle.  It’s about making that a priority whenever humanly possible.  It’s about follow-through on a commitment a parent makes when creating and bringing a new life into the world.  The emotional rush wears off at the whiff of baby powder and that clean infant smell.  Joyous feelings can often be overshadowed by tantrums and other childish behaviors.  Parenthood can be damn overwhelming when there are bills to be paid that exceed the income, emotional investments that aren’t immediately rewarded, and demands on time and energy that can strain the most resilient of people.  But if love is indeed a verb, then the parent consistently demonstrates these behaviors, day after day, realizing that this is love in action rather than poetic love on paper or lip service to a concept.

The Love Is A Verb construct is a philosophy, indeed even a spiritual belief that transcends the drudgery of daily life.     It’s the kind of love that is larger than the individual pieces that make up the whole.  It is the kind of love that transforms people’s lives.  It is the kind of love that the more you practice it, the more you get in return, the greater your capacity for it becomes.

It’s the kind of love that makes this world and the people in it healthier and happier so that we’re all able to give more of ourselves to that larger goal of leaving this world a better place than we found it.  That’s what it’s all about.