Writing to Remember   Leave a comment

Two Pretty Women by Lady Birchwood
Two Pretty Women, a photo by Lady Birchwood on Flickr.

I still shed some tears over Katie’s death daily. We’re 8 weeks and five days into the grief of her death. Sometimes I long for the day when life will seem normal again. More often, though, the pain reminds me that I haven’t forgotten her, that she was such an important part of my life. I don’t want to forget her! I want to remember every day with her as clearly as I can. I want to remember what our relationship was like. I want to remember the constantly growing love I had for her.

But the truth is, I’m afraid I will forget. I loved my first cat, Mandy (photo above), during the 18-and-a-half years that she was a member of our family. I started grieving her eventual death years before it occurred. The thought of losing her was horrible to me. In the end, I did not manage her decline and euthanasia well, and I did not deal with my grief at all well. Nearly 18 months after Mandy’s death, I was still crying and feeling terrible guilt over the decisions I had made. It was that as much as anything else that was going on which persuaded me to seek treatment for depression.

Yes, I remember that I loved her more than life itself and I remember how much I grieved after she died, but I don’t feel the emotions anymore. I remember that I once felt that way, but they’re now memories without much emotion attached to them. I don’t want that to happen with Katie — that I’ll grieve and miss her and then move on. My brain will remember her but my heart won’t.

I will fight that! She was too special, so very loved to ever let my heart forget what I felt.

The only way I know how to capture some of those emotions is to write about her. I want to remember the details of her life and how I felt at the time. I want to record the things we experienced so I can look back on it when I care to and really remember, with my mind and my heart.

So I will write, and some of it will sound inconsequential to most people, but it’s certainly not to me. I need to keep that precious being alive in my heart and soul and not tucked away on the top of a dusty shelf in a distant part of my brain.

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Posted April 21, 2011 by StPaulieGrrl in cats

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